Today 7 years ago today rather than a “birthday” it was the day I got to see the lifeless body of my beautiful baby. I finally got to see the baby that I had carried, loved, nurtured, talked to and dreamed about. I knew that she was cheeky and clever by the way, before bed she would tap back the same number of times we tapped her in my belly, she loved me eating crunchy foods, the louder the better and loved it when I lifted my shirt and we sat in the sun.
Alexiona Vicki-Lyn came out 6lb 7 at 35 weeks stillborn and she was perfect, there was no obvious reason for her passing. She had little curls at the back of her neck and had such cute fingers and toes. We got to spend several precious hours with her imagining and wishing for a different outcome. I remember looking up to see Grant holding our wrapped perfect baby looking at himself in the mirror he so wanted to bed a dad.
I will never forget her last movements I know exactly when she passed, we were having dinner at the table and I said to Grant at the time “she is going nuts”, she was kicking up a storm, in reflection it was like she was having a fit, this was the last movement and I believe this was her way of saying goodbye. It was the night after that I got the news … we knew … we held it together until out of the hospital then I howled and doubled over in grief. Why us? Why now? We clung to each other and sobbed we stayed there for a while… the 3 of us.
I relive this reality every year, there is nothing I could have changed, I believe it was fate, destiny she was never to be an earth angel but an angel in heaven. Our angel stayed with us daily for months, she whispered in my ear and gave me messages of love and hope, she told me she was here whenever I needed, I just wished I could have held her.
I waited a few days to “birth” I was told most people want it over and done with, I on the other hand wanted to spend as much time as possible with her, to grieve, to tell her it was okay, we will be okay and this was the best thing I did, it gave us all time. When we drove to the hospital I was ready, I was going to see my angel.
The labor was 8 hours, I floated in the bath and aside from gas had a natural “birth” she was footling and breach and when she arrived I was standing, I will never forget looking down at legs hanging out of me, looking at the door knowing I would never make it and it wouldn’t changed anything anyway… I had to walk this journey regardless… we got to hold and see our angel. I wanted to scream when my sister took her off us gently and walked away, but I didn’t….
Little did I know this was really just the beginning, everyone that saw me cried, I cried, many didn’t know what to say and there was nothing they really could say other than be there for us. I rang around funeral homes, I wanted the best, somewhere with a garden and flowers, Lexi would have loved flowers. I remember one funeral home saying to me to pass on the information to the mother… I said “I am the mother” she said “oh most mothers don’t call” I said “she is my baby, it is my duty to call”
I searched for days for the perfect box to put her ashes in and got busy creating the “party’ that she wanted. We had pink champagne, a fairy on her cake, pink and purple balloons and everyone was to wear a party dress… Lexi was very specific about how she wanted her party, we even sang “happy birthday”. We had a “beautiful” day surrounded by friends and family, for her it was perfect.
On my “first” mothers day I asked for a sign that my angel was with me. I was at work, it was later that day when “Lexi” called to make an appointment, I cried she knew, my baby knew, I am so blessed …. On Grants birthday as he walked out the door I told him to look for a sign, he said “how will I know?” and I said “you will”. That day I got sent a photo of an envelope that had fallen out of a mailbox and it was from “Lexi” our angel hadn’t forgotten her daddy.
Over the years I have had many profound special moments “with” Lexi. On my birthday nearly 2 years after, I went to the hairdresser with my newborn Lahnie. The Hairdresser chatting away as they do said to me “my friend has a website call Lexi Rose you should have a look” I smiled and said “yes I will and thank you”. She repeated it again and just to make sure I got the message as I left the hair salon she wrote on a business card the words “Lexi Rose”. I cried as I walked out the door, both my babies were with me for my birthday, my earth angel and my angel in heaven. I was blessed.
There would have been 18 months between my two Angels, I often wonder how crazy that would have been… my life would have been totally different. As I sit here typing this I know she is here, in fact she woke me up at 4am to write and now I am looking at the beautiful pink and purple sunrise out my window, the colors that she “demanded” I have at her “party” 7 years ago. I am truly blessed I have an angel in Heaven and one here on Earth.
Love you baby, Happy “Birth” Day XX